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An acknowledgment of inadequacy

2 min read

Do you ever just realize you are responsible for all of the suffering not only in your own life but in those around you? I know it's melodramatic. I know it reeks of illusions of grandeur if not textbook narcissism but I just can't help but reflect on the human carnage that I alone am responsible for. Tonight, I didn't have the good sense to stay out of three separate occasions of interpersonal conflict. While there were overlapping individuals and groups I remained the constant. I spend so much time vilifying my own friends and their motivations. I dance between their sole companion and The Devil's Advocate far too naturally far too swiftly. And what has it done for me? What has it done for anyone?  I think I am the monster in this story and there are no heroes because that was the role I had arrogantly assigned myself. All there is- is casualties.

 

Why do I do this? Why can't I be the quiet one that everybody likes? I honestly can't comprehend the confidence it probably takes to simply be a good friend. I feel inadequate, incapable of being the quality person that these people deserve. Maybe I never deserved these friends in the first place. I do worse than project my own shortcomings onto others, I corrupt everything around me. I am the common denominator And with that knowledge comes the responsibility to do better.  To be better. And I guess that's what I've been seeking in my friends. I learn well by example so I surround myself with better people and somewhere in the process of  minimal validation I convince myself that I can help them; When I need their help.